[BURNING OUT]
I am laying on the bed, looking at the alarm on the side table. It says 10:55… “Five more minutes before leaving”. I am trying not to panic. I am closing my eyes, desperately attempting to think about nothing and hoping that when I open my eyes the clock will still say 10:55. Bummer, when I open my eyes it says 10:59, “My very last minute is ticking!” I am taking a deep breath. “Alright God, it’s time. Thank you for this amazing opportunity and help me to make it through when I get back. Help me to stay in this moment, even when I start to feel overwhelmed again. Help me to not let go of this beautiful peaceful feeling…” I collect my belongings, go down with the elevator and check myself out of Hilton hotel.
Five more minutes to go, I am trying not to panic
That was me, when my husband kidnapped me one morning and booked me in one of the fanciest hotels in Windhoek. It was the hotel that I’ve always wanted to go to for our honeymoon. We actually almost did, except when we were on our way there after our wedding my husband suddenly changed his mind. He spontaneously booked us in another hotel, because he felt it was too expensive after all. Now, five years later, my wish came true.
The circumstances were however different from that of a wedding. I was overwhelmed, so overwhelmed by everything happening around me! I was exhausted and fighting a deadline for my studies in clinical psychology, something I did next to my work for the ministries. That specific weekend we also had some girls over from the youth we work with. My house was full, no opportunity whatsoever to just hide away. It was hectic all around and on top of that my 2 toddlers were in need of attention. I couldn’t smile anymore, I couldn’t pretend anymore that I was fine. Just when I thought I would loose my mind completely my husband told me he would take me out for breakfast the next morning. He secretly put some of my clothes in a bag (until today I pretend I didn’t see that) and drove me to the hotel.
I couldn’t smile anymore, I couldn’t pretend anymore that I was fine
Once inside the hotel, he walked me to one of the rooms and said, “This is your room until tomorrow 11:00. Do whatever it is you need to do to get some rest and get yourself together again“. I cried, how could I not? This was so sweet! I felt relieve, followed by a wave of guilt knowing how expensive it was. “What a waste of money for just a few hours of rest for me. Is there no where else I can go?” “Stop it“, my husband said. “Just enjoy the moment.“
And that’s what I did. As soon as he closed the door behind him I was overwhelmed by the sound of silence. For the next 30 minutes I was just laying on the bed, looking at the ceiling, listening to the quietness with tears running down my face. I think I fell asleep after that. When I woke up a little later, a big part of the heaviness was gone and I felt the joy coming back into my heart. I ordered a late lunch pizza, so I didn’t have to order again for dinner. I don’t want to use the word “magical”, but it almost was. From the room, to the rooftop to the bathroom. It was all perfect…until the next morning 10:55.
As soon as he closed the door, I was overwhelmed by the sound of silence
Reality hit again. I was dreaming away about doing this every month, but no, of course there was no way. When walking out of that room I grieved about losing this beautiful moment. I had to tell myself to go back to this moment in my mind whenever I would feel overwhelmed again. As a matter of fact, I knew I should try to never let it get this far again. To not have too much happening all at once, not paying attention to myself and not being able to reflect whether I can still keep up with everything. I also decided that instead of going to a hotel again, I could maybe put that money into making our sleeping room a bit nicer, put a chair in the corner and make it my “get away place” in times of need. Surely my sleeping room should be a place where I can be in solitude right?
When walking out of that room, I grieved about losing this beautiful moment
Putting boundaries is hard when being in missions, because your work is never fully defined between 8 to 5. You want to help, and you want to share what you have. But truly, being burned out is not worth it at all! I think as missionaries it will always remain a challenge to have clear defined boundaries. As soon as you do, something else unexpected comes up again that was not accounted for within the boundaries you put up for yourself. It is very much a journey of falling and standing up again.
Being burned out is not worth it at all!
I have hit my head many times by now, but every time I learn from it. The most important thing is to be aware of your own well-being in the process of giving out. A well-rested missionary that has enough breaks will also have enough energy and motivation to keep going. To move mountains, change generations and impact nations! But an exhausted, almost burned out missionary…? So if you need a break, make sure to somehow make it happen, even if it costs you your time and money that you wished to have spent on something or someone else. Try to refrain from feelings of guilt. Your supporters will understand… right?
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